My experience with Postpartum Anxiety and Depression, and what you can do about it if you can relate
**trigger warning – this post contains mentions of self harm / suicide**
If you’ve been following along, you’ve seen that most of my previous posts are from a whopping two-ish years ago (yikes). I didn’t mean to disappear folks, but I did a thing in that time – I got pregnant and had a baby (I know, there’s a lot that can happen in a few years). I also got hit with a lovely dose of postpartum anxiety and depression, and I truly feel it is an issue that we don’t talk about enough.
When I told people I was pregnant, I got a lot of the same types of comments. I was told I was “glowing” (no love, that’s just sweat, but thank you). My belly was touched against my will many times. I was asked over and over again how excited I was for this “beautiful, life-changing experience”. I was told to “just wait until (insert horrible, terrible life changing thing here)”. While we’re on this subject, if you’re ever starting a sentence with “just wait until” while talking to a pregnant woman or soon-to-be dad, you’re doing it wrong. Cease and desist immediately for your own safety.
And despite all the extra love / attention, well-meaning comments, and unsolicited advice, I’ll take the time to say what can sometimes be an unpopular opinion – I didn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant. Some days I actually really hated it. Do I recognize how lucky I was to have the opportunity to carry a child? Yes. Was I extremely excited to meet my baby? Also yes. But did I love the fatigue, nausea, swollen body, and not being able to tie my shoes? No. And I think that’s completely okay, and just as normal as being thrilled to be pregnant. Ladies, you are allowed to feel both things!
Which brings me to my next point. The feelings.
I spent so long looking up how to survive my pregnancy, I didn’t really realize I should’ve been doing some more research on “how to survive the fourth trimester”. Because let me tell you, that **** was the hardest part of my entire baby journey so far. For those who don’t know, the fourth trimester is considered the first 3 months of your baby’s life, when both you and the baby are adjusting to life outside the womb. It is when your hormones are going crazy, you’re not sleeping, you’re still learning how to take care of a human being, and your life has been completely changed.
Lucky for us, this is also usually the time when postpartum anxiety and depression hit the hardest. I’m not a doctor, but based on my chats with a lot of women, some have an “easier” time with this adjustment than others (I say “easier” because none of it is really easy, the feelings are just different for each person).
I was not one of those people who adjusted to life well, and was diagnosed with severe postpartum anxiety (PPA) and postpartum depression (PPD). On my best days, I felt I had a handle on this new life and was doing okay. On my worst days though? I was a tattered mess, snipping at my husband, sobbing while feeding my baby at 4am, messaging my OB’s office for a Zoloft prescription, having extremely intrusive thoughts, and seriously thinking about how everyone’s life would be better if I wasn’t in it. It was one of the darkest, most isolating times in my life, even with an extremely supportive husband and wonderful friends and family.
So if you’re thinking…
Um I feel the same way. So what can I do about it?
There are plenty of resources online (and at your doctors office) that can help you determine if you have PPA, PPD, or any of the other mood disturbances that can occur during the postpartum period. It is a deeply personal, highly sensitive topic.
The number one best piece of advice I can tell you is TELL SOMEONE HOW YOU ARE FEELING. This is especially important if you are having thoughts of self harm. Additionally, medication is always an option. If you’re like me and are a bit “scared” of medications for this purpose, people can and do only stay on them temporarily. I know many moms who feel that the combination of therapy and medication were a life saver for them. (As an aside, I used CBD for the anxiety portion. I have no idea if it helped and again, I am not a physician and can’t medically recommend this. But it might be worth a try if you’re into the idea). Postpartum anxiety and depression are not things to feel guilt or shame about. They just make you human.
Not sure where to go from here? Below are some incredible resources. This is of course not an exhaustive list, but just some of the ones I found to be helpful. I would highly encourage you to take a look at these.
Resources
- Postpartum Support International
- Easily one of my favorite postpartum resources
- Similar to Postpartum Health Alliance, with tons of great resources for navigating postpartum. They also host online meetings for a variety of different parenting concerns. I found some of my favorite online support groups on this website
- They also have resources for dads (yes, PPD can impact dads too. You are not alone).
- Postpartum Health Alliance
- Their website contains TONS of resources on PPD
- A lot of this website is geared towards San Diego moms, but it does contain some great information
- Psychology Today
- This site has a search bar that allows you to search for therapists by city, state, and even insurance provider
- Online forums
- Communities like reddit were extremely validating and helped me feel less alone. Reddit has specific pages / communities where people discuss issues like this. They include beyondthebump, parenting, postpartum_depression, and NewParents (just to name a few)
- Other communities like What to Expect and Babycenter also have some great discussions
- Support Groups (for both postpartum moms and dads)
- Local hospitals usually offer these support groups. I found a great one that meets every week, and hearing other moms going through the exact same thing as me was SO validating.
- Check in with the hospital you delivered at to see if any such groups are offered
- Your primary care physician or obstetrician’s office
- Reach out to either of these providers. My OB was the one who prescribed me an antidepressant, but many primary care providers will do so as well
- They were also able to connect me with a social worker who gave me an extensive list of excellent resources. It was only after I actually reached out to these resources that I started feeling some of the weight lift off my shoulders.
- Your insurance provider
- I did several searches through my insurance provider for therapists who specialized in maternal mental health. I found several who conducted online therapy, which is such a game changer when you have a little one and feel like you can never leave the house
- Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Dial 988. Services are available 24/7 in both english and spanish
- I hope you never need this, but felt strongly about having this information here for you if you need it.
My point in writing this is to make sure you know you are never alone.
If there are any other resources you have used or love and would like to bring to the attention of other mamas in need, please feel free to comment below.
You’re doing amazing sweetie, and I’m sending you all the hugs and support.
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