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Thinking about sleep training your newborn but feeling overwhelmed with how to start? This is the post for you.
If you’ve read about my experience with a colicky baby, you know that I took any and every opportunity to soothe my spirited child. Unfortunately, part of her spiciness meant her sleep left much to be desired.
Like many parents of newborns, some of the issues we faced in full force (and at full volume) included:
- Not being able to put baby down without hearing immediate blood curling screams (this also happened in public, which meant outings were limited and very stressful)
- Having to rock her to sleep, bounce on the ball, or walk around with her in the baby carrier for 30+ min for every nap and at bedtime
- Baby not napping unless being held, or having extremely short naps if not held
- Eventually, baby not napping at all (even when being held)
- Putting baby down after she was asleep for 20-30 min, only to have her wake immediately upon being put down
- Having to soothe baby immediately if she woke up at any point in the day or night because she couldn’t fall back asleep on her own
This eventually led us to the realization that sleep training our newborn was an absolute necessity.
Enter the dreaded sleep training
I realize that the concept of sleep training is very controversial, but like most things in motherhood, what works for one kid doesn’t work for all kids. You are the best parent for your child. You do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. And we don’t have to judge each other for the way we handle “controversial” things. For us, sleep training our newborn was the best thing we ever did.
SO, speaking as the mother of an extremely “difficult” baby, here’s how WE chose to tackle sleep (and again, how you do this or if you ever do this is your business, but here is what worked beautifully for us).
How I started
I started by learning everything I could learn about baby sleep, but didn’t actually start attempting any “training” per se until my baby was about 2.5 months or 10 weeks old. I waited until she was sleeping longer stretches at night (in our case, 8 hours at a time), had established some level of melatonin, and started attempting to roll so I could remove her swaddle. Even though I always watched her on the baby monitor, I felt better about leaving her in the crib knowing she had access to her hands, so we just used a sleep sack.
I purchased Precious Little Sleep, written by a fellow mom who did SO much of her own research on sleep training. I found it a funny, judgment-free, evidence-based resource and the absolute best of the many (many many) sleep training books I’ve read. She also has a blog with tons of great information, as well as a Facebook group you can join. This is easily my favorite sleep training resource and I would recommend it 10000 times over.
If you have a Facebook account, I joined a phenomenal Facebook group called Respectful Sleep Training / Learning. The group contains SO many resources, support from other group members, suggested schedules based on age, and success stories to motivate you when the going gets rough. The “Crib 45” resource was how I started with nap training, and it was a total game changer. I would have truly been at a loss as to how to go about sleep training without finding this group.
Other resources I’ve seen but can’t comment on / haven’t tried:
- Taking Cara Babies: I didn’t purchase any of her courses, but do follow her on Instagram. Her social media and blog have lots of useful information, & I have many friends who swear by her sleep training classes.
- Babywise book: This didn’t really work for us but worked great for our friends whose baby was not as colicky.
- Cribsheet by Emily Oster: This one isn’t specific to sleep training, but is super evidence-based and debunks lots of things (sleep training included). She also has one for pregnancy, and has a great website with useful information.
- Instagram accounts I follow: heysleepybaby, babysleepdr. There are so many out there, a simple “baby sleep” search on social media should give you plenty of options choose from. Please be aware that some accounts are quite mom shame-esque (and you know we don’t do that here at That Hungry Nurse), and some are not at all backed by science. Just choose wisely and do your research!
- I’ve also heard good things about Twelve Hours’ Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old and Moms On Call
- There are SO many resources out there, and sleep training your newborn can feel like a terrifying task, so you just have to find what works for you!
The sleep training technique(s) I used
The resources above were my holy grail for sleep training, and I combined a few of them into what worked for my family. My basic method was:
- After the same (every single time) pre-nap routine, lay baby in their crib 15 min before the wake window ends.
- For naps, we kept baby in crib for 45 minutes. (At night, we had a rule to not go in for the first several hours after bedtime. I was comfortable doing this because I knew she was clean, fed, and had all her possible needs met). Some people choose to check on baby every 3-5 min and soothe until baby falls asleep. For my baby, this just prolonged crying and made it harder for everyone (and yes, yes I did cry with her). So I guess our sleep training “method” was extinction.
- If she sleeps, great! Start the timer. If she wakes before the hour mark, set another timer for 15 minutes and give her the opportunity to self soothe, fall back asleep, and connect her sleep cycles (this isn’t biologically very easy until closer to 5 months, so we didn’t have high hopes here).
- Usually, she falls asleep again within that timeframe. If she doesn’t, get her up and start the wake window cycle all over again.
Many choose to train night sleep and naps separately. I’m more of an all or nothing type person, and my baby seemed really miserable from the lack of sleep. Sleep training your newborn isn’t the most fun, so I decided to just rip off the bandaid, potentially have a rough few weeks, and do it all at the same time. I really do think this helped her continuously practice, practice, practice, and would recommend this if you can.
I also took notes on EVERYTHING. Every nap, everyday, for two weeks. This was super helpful in figuring out what worked and what didn’t. Things I included in my notes for each nap were:
- The wake window (WW) I was aiming for and when she was actually laid down (I aimed to put her in the crib 15 minutes before her wake window ended)
- How long / what was included in the pre-nap routine
- How long it took to fall asleep and how long she slept for
- Any other notes I had about that nap
How it went
Night sleep
How It Started
For the first 3-4 nights, my baby fussed and cried for about 30 minutes before eventually falling asleep for the night. Some nights she would fuss for 20 minutes, and others she bloody murder screamed for 45 minutes. We usually had one wake up around 3-4 am for a feed. Prior to this, she would wake up immediately upon being placed in the bassinet, or we would have to rock her to sleep until she was in deep sleep (think 30 minutes of rocking). If she woke up at any point in the night, we would have to repeat this process again.
4 Weeks Later
We still have an occasional waking around 3-4 am for a feed, but it is rare. 9 nights out of 10, we have no wake ups in between unless she is going through a regression, isn’t feeling well, or hasn’t gotten enough to eat that day for whatever reason. If she does wake up for this feed, she *usually* (we’ve had some sassy nights) falls back asleep with minimal protesting. The best part? She now falls asleep independently after 5-15 minutes of minimal fussing and stays asleep for 10+ hours. No rocking, just her bedtime routine and lights out! I am one happy happy mama.
At 4 Months Old
Baby sleeps 11-12 hours at night. On the rare occasion that she wakes up at 4 or 5am, she puts herself right back to sleep with barely a peep. We never had the dreaded 4 month sleep regression that everyone always talks about. Side note / pro tip: Get overnight diapers to avoid diaper rash!
Naps
How It Started
Though naps are biologically harder to sleep train and took / are taking a bit longer, we are still making HUGE improvements. But I would be lying to you if I said we’ve totally figured these out.
The first few days, baby would scream for the whole 45 minutes and then sometimes fall asleep. For the first few days, she often never fell asleep, in which case I would let her sleep on me to prevent her from becoming overtired. As the days went on, she would scream for less and less time and started actually falling asleep every time, even if it was just for a few minutes.
It took about a week before we saw improvements for naps. About two weeks in, we started to see a noticeable change in how quickly she falls asleep.
4 Weeks Later
Nap length continues to be hit or miss. Naps are 1-2 hours at a time some days, while others she only sleeps for 20-45 minutes and never resettles or falls back asleep. Based on my readings, short naps are developmentally appropriate at this age, and most babies don’t connect sleep cycles until around 5 months. So though the short naps can be very annoying, I’m not too worried about this part. How quickly she falls asleep has tremendously improved, and only takes 15-20 min (if that) on most days. I do love that she is slowly starting to be able to sleep on her own. Being able to soothe herself back to sleep within those extra 15 minutes has been absolute game changer (and is great for her night sleep too).
The biggest thing I’ve noticed is her ability to fall asleep anywhere, without being rocked or coaxed to sleep. For a tired mama with a rapidly growing / heavy baby, not having to hold my baby in order for her to sleep does wonders for my physical and mental health.
Overall, my baby seems SO much happier at all times. She now wakes up with a huge smile on her face every single morning after a great nights rest.
I know some people have strong objections to sleep training, and I was incredibly anxious about starting this process. I am SO glad we decided to go for it. Sleep is such a vital skill that my baby just needed some help to learn. While I know we’ll have our ups and downs, we have come SUCH a long way.
At 4 Months Old
Winding down for a nap takes 10-15 minutes. Nap length remains variable (anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 hour and 30 minutes.) She is able to put herself to sleep with minimal screaming AND able to soothe herself to sleep if she wakes up. When I tell you I could cry at how much sleep training our newborn has improved her naps, I genuinely mean it. We now do a (very very) short pre-nap routine, turn on the white noise, and it’s lights out!
Starting your own sleep training journey? My top tips
- Wake Windows. learn them, tweak them if you’re seeing patterns, and follow them
- Invest in some products that will help you immensely while sleep training
- Find yourself an activity to do when baby is in the beginning stages of sleep training. Many people feel very anxious and that’s totally okay. Listening to crying of any kind is hard!
- Consistency is everything. nap routines and bedtime routines should be the same every time
- Watch / read success stories. when the going gets tough, positive stories help so much
- Find the method that works for you. Sleep training is not one size fits all. If you’re not comfortable with letting your kid “cry it out”, there are so many ways to sleep train. But do be advised that there will be some crying, and there’s unfortunately just no way around it.
I hope you find this a great place to start when it comes to sleep training your newborn!
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